The Wedding
by Sirius Betelgeuse
Summary: What if Franz Kafka had written about Zelda? Perhaps it would go something like this...


"There's no finer match in all of Hyrule for milady but you," Impa snapped, trying to her hardest to look imposing to Link. "I don't see what you're complaining about."

"I won't marry the princess," he growled. "I can't believe you'd summon me all the way back to the castle just to tell me that. Surely you'd know how I'd react."

Link hated dealing with Impa. She was not an altogether unpleasant woman, but she was certainly lacking in the social graces, and always seemed to be harping on him for something or another. All this blathering about having him married to Princess Zelda, however, was something else entirely. Link had nothing against the princess; in fact he rather admired her, but the thought of spending his life with her or any other woman was too distressing to contemplate.

"All the men of Hyrule want her," she continued. "She's wise, beautiful, graceful...you'd be an idiot to refuse her hand."

Wasn't that like Impa, always prattling on about how wonderful Princess Zelda was. "Well, I'm a man who lives for adventure," he retorted. "Marrying some woman is not for me."

"I'm afraid that doesn't matter, Link. You see, when you swore an oath of fealty to the king, you implicitly consented to allow him to marry you off to anyone whom he deems fit, and his majesty is quite keen on seeing you spend the rest of your days with his daughter."

Link couldn't believe this. "I swore that I would fight for the king. I never said anything about marrying his daughter!"

"Yes, you swore to fight for him, and do anything that he asks of you, including marrying his daughter. So there you are."

"I don't remember ever saying that," he grumbled.

"Both the king and the princess both remember you saying exactly that, Link. Your memory must be bad."

But Link wasn't about to give up that easily. "Maybe I'd be happier with someone else. Surely you wouldn't want me to be unhappy, would you?"

Impa gave a devious smile. "Well Link, I've already learned everything there is to know about the other women in your life."

"Then you'd know I'd probably be much happier with Malon than Zelda, so why don't you let me have her, then, if you're going to force me into this!"

"Malon? Do you know how she acts towards her father? She's bossy, overbearing, and downright unpleasant, and I can say with utter certainty that these traits will be magnified tenfold towards you if you were to become her husband! And more, she'd make you lift heavy milk crates all day long because her father is too busy sleeping, and you'll end up with a sore back most of the time, and to make things worse, you'll be constantly reeking of horse and cow dung. I don't think that's a fitting end for the Hero of Time, wouldn't you say?"

Link crossed his arms. "Alright then, what about Princess Ruto? Need I remind you we _were_ engaged, once?"

"Not anymore; not since you gave back the Spiritual Stone to her and nullified the engagement. And Link, I know that it would not be to your liking to wake up every morning with her cold, slimy fish-skin next to yours, not to mention given the differences between Hylians and Zoras I highly doubt you could even consummate your marriage, let alone have children."

"Okay then, what about Nabooru? For a Gerudo, she seems an alright sort."

Impa laughed. "Well I know everything about her, too, and I know that her thirst for lustful engagements is most insatiable, and that you will never be able to satisfy her, and so she will seek her pleasures elsewhere, making you the greatest cuckold in all of Hyrule. Not to mention that people will always speak ill of you for marrying a Gerudo."

"Fine! How about the Kakariko Cucco lady, then? Or that girl in the Bomb-chu building? There are so many other women I could have! Hundreds of them!"

"Thousands!" Impa shot back, mocking him. "Look, you should just give up now and accept it. The king's made his decision; you and Zelda are basically already married. Whining about it won't change a thing."

Link noticed then he was shaking. How he regretted coming here! How much he longed to be back in the Kokiri Forest with Saria and the others, where life was so much simpler and the thought of marriage never even entered into his mind. But all of that seemed so far away now. But just then, Link had an inspiration.

"Well, Impa, since a marriage isn't valid unless it's consummated, all I have to do is stay out of bed with her and I'll be free! You didn't think of _that,_ did you?"

But Impa's expression did not change. "As a matter of fact I did, Link. And if you refuse to do your duty on your wedding night, I'll have all of Hyrule know that you refused to bed the most desirable woman in all of Hyrule, and I doubt very much that anyone will have much respect for you after that."

"You wouldn't do such a thing."

"Oh but I would, Link. I've thought of everything."

Link had run out of options, but there was one last thing he could try. "Well, you can't make me marry her if I'm not here!"

He turned and bolted for the nearest door, but just as he did, a trio of guards appeared, brandishing their spears and forcing him back into the hall.

"That's not going to work, Link. The ceremony's already planned, and the guests are invited. They'll be here any time now."

The moment she spoke, a throng of wedding guests came streaming into the hall, along with a priest to perform the ceremony, who was followed by the princess herself, who looked resplendent in her wedding gown, though Link was as far from caring as one could be.

At once, the priest began to speak. "We are gathered here today..."

Link turned back to face Impa. "You can't do this to me."

"Oh but we can, and we are. Look, this is all part of being the Hero of Time. Didn't Rauru tell you it was your destiny to marry Princess Zelda?"

"No!" Link shouted. "He never said anything about that!"

Impa frowned. "Well you must not have been paying attention then!"

Zelda came forward and took his hand in hers, holding it firmly. "Is he being obstinate, Impa?" she asked.

"Yes, but it won't help him at all. Our plan worked."

"You...you planned this with her?" he said as his face turned red with anger.

"Yes, we knew you'd be stubborn about it, and so I foresaw everything you do to try to get out of it. There's nothing more you can do, Link."

"...and I know pronounce you, husband and wife!" boomed the priest's voice.

"Hey! He didn't even ask me if I wanted to marry her," Link cried.

Impa smiled once again. "He didn't have to, Link. You should really look at Hyrulian Law more closely, you know."

At that moment, an unending stream of wedding guests were filing out of the hall...


End file.
